friendship

Why is it that k always seems to question our friendship? She is really beganing to get on my nerves. Yes you are one of my best friends, yes i have another bestfriend in the states. Just because i don't pick up the phone and call u everyday don't give you a reason to question when i call c. I'm tired of hearing oh you call c but i wasn't the first person you call or oh you talk to c but you haven't call me i'm always calling you. The next time she say so shit like that i'm calling her out . She is ready begining to push me away. I care for her and cherish our friendship but damn i shouldn't have to prove to you over and over that we are friends. Get the fuck over it. If i don't call don't let it destory your day. If you are not the first to hear about something so what you will enventually will.

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freeforming

Why is my soul so distrub? What am i searching for. I don't want to be here right not. Don't want to deal with life, kids, finance, friends, marriage and so on. I just want to be left alone. Am i depress ? Yes. i just want to be left alone and sulk in my misery. Why am i'm here? What am i supose to be doing? I can not answer any of these question. I'm so sick and tired of life right now. I know others have it far worst than me but damn i hate this feeling. What am i here for. I wish i can come to some resolve of my mind, some comfort. My soul is so not well right now. What is it i'm searching for, what is it i'm searchin g for. Why can't i be happy. I feel like running away and just been by myself. Iwish i can go to a resort and spend a whole month just recapture what it is i need to make me feel better. I just need time alone. I need time alone...

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Recapturing my sanity

Today is the day i will stop checking his email. I have to recaputer the health of my mind. I can't keep letting this control me. I already found what i need to find. They say if you look you shall find. I have no idea why he keep getting caught doing the samething over. Yes it question my trust about him, wheather he truely love me. I feel he does but have regret marrying me. I don't know where his mind is at this moment and vice verse. I have alot of question that need to be answer. Yes we need to explore these question. It's taking everything in my body not to loose trust in him. Really i don't trust him. If i get to the poing of not loving him and just go thru the motion then our marriage is destiny for failure. Can i handle it no will i get over it yes. The hardest thing is to love someone so deep , you loose yourself and it take things like this to come back to life. I do love him and was willing to give him everything he wanted. Matter of fact i did. He was so spoil. It's like i lost my soul.How can you not think about your family when doing things. How can you not see what you have at home. You are willing to risk it all just to recapture what you had in high school. You two are not together for a fucking reason. But like they say you don't miss what you have untill it's gone. Your ass should've been planting and sowing your own seeds at home rather than in your past. Lifes a BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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So not feeling 2005

It's another year and way to bring in the year. I'm so not wanting to go to work tomorrow. But i guess i can put up with staying on this job untill Oct 05. We are due to leave in Jan 05. I have got to start taking care of me. Start doing the things that i like. I LOVE my HUSBAND/ CHILDRENS but i'm so under appericated and it time i get that back. I'm raising my standards and treating myself like i deserve to be treated.

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lie

Why must you lie to me why must you not be honset with yourself!!!!!!!!!!!You want me to belief you didn't write the letter or sent it. Wheather you didn't or not you thought it. I'm not stupid. Do i trust you no, but still in love with you. I can't stand the way you are making me feel. I hate that i'm valunaber. Youir heart is somewhere else. But i'm determaine to get thru this. Wheather it to get out of loving you so deep i'm letting my love once deep love go. I'll never surrender myself to you again. Sorry but i deserve more and you are not at the stage to offer that to me. Not at this time. Thanks for showing me what true love can be with me but at the same time with you Fake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanls MARVIN JEROLD LANCASTERII for breaking my fucking heart. Happy 2005 NEW YEAR TO ME.

Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a way to bring in the new years. I found out my husband of five years have been living a lie. Our marriage is a complete lie.This is someone whom i gave my whole heart to. Someone i entrust my feeling to. Som,eone i lay down and give my body too. How in the hell can you be with someone and not love them. Our marriage didn't mean shit to him. I ask hin before we got married was he sure i'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I let you into my heart nad my kids heart. If you knew that you love Donica why not seek her out and find her. I'm at the point that i'm thinkin g about leaving. How can i share my body with you and your mine is someone else. I have cried and cried and i know that i'll cry again. Becasue i turely love him. I don't trust him. All the shit i do and go thru with him. I deserve so much better. But they say you get treat the way you teach people to treat you.

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